Ok, so… you think you are called to marriage? What have you done to help with that? Go to a young adults activity! Sign up for CatholicMatch.com! Something that allows you to take an active step towards meeting your hubby. Praying is important, but God isn’t just going to plop him in our laps for us, we have to do our part, too!
I’ve been searching for a decent challenge to do for the last few weeks. Prayer was out so that was a bummer. Making an effort to meet people was too easy because, between studying and attending a new Latin Mass parish, I’ve been doing that a lot anyway. I came up with some crazy schemes but I figured I’d follow the advice of Fat Amy.
That’s when I decided that there’s a time for everything under the sun.
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to rend, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.
For me, right now, the challenge is not to do anything. Ok, well, not anything. My challenge is not to write about anything.
Yeah, I know…
But here’s what I’m thinking.
One of my oldest and most intransigent fears is that no guy could ever love me because, somehow, they have all ”figured out that there is something deeply, irredeemably, and inextricably wrong with me.” And yes, I am perfectly capable of believing in the face of any amount of evidence to the contrary. (To quote Lady Grantham, “I’m a woman, I can be as contrary as I choose.”)
Because of that fear, I act in a certain way.
But what if, just for a change, I started acting like it wasn’t true? What if, instead, my challenge was to live like some wonderful guy was about to ask me out? What if I was to act like, just for argument’s sake, that I was deserving of love and that God did not put a desire for marriage and family in my heart only to thwart it?
I’m not saying I have to immediately stop believing my fears all together. The devil’s lies have a way of clinging to our souls and they can be awfully hard to get rid of. It’s less like a ripping off a band-aid and more like removing shrapnel.
But what if I just tried it out? Just to see what would happen?
Well, one of the first things I would do is I wouldn’t post what I actually wrote this afternoon. The one where I’m got all emotional and teary and inspiring. Seriously, it was soooo deep I was practically swimming with the anglerfish.
Why? Because if I actually believed I was deserving of the love of a good man, and if I actually believed that one day I would be happily married to such a man, then a lot of that stuff is stuff I’d want to share with him, and not with the entire internet. Which is why my challenge is to not write about my challenge… except yes, I’m totally writing about it anyway. (See above for more on my inherent right to be as contrary as I choose.)
And of course, that’s only one thing. I’m interested to see what other things might be different. And even that one thing could change. Being recklessly open about the highs and lows of my life is kind of “ma thing.”
Maybe someday I will blog about it. After all, there is a time for every thing under heaven. But, to quote another great movie line,
And for this blogger who wants nothing more to share my heart with y’all, that’s quite a challenge.